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I’ve come a long way since November of last year. They are quite messy but do resemble dreadlocks.

For the past 4 months, it seems my hair has remained the same length – which I know isn’t true; my hair is just growing and knotting in at the same rate so it appears there is no growth. This has been a tricky period for me because unlike the first 4 months when I felt like every week was a new adventure in bizarre hair, this four months has felt like a whole lot of nothing happening – which I also know is not true, as the hair is getting more compact and the locs are thickening, it’s just super super slow. And I know those tips are blunting but they’re doing it like one hair at a time.

So what’s happening internally with me in this?

I realize that the pandemic has shielded me from a lot of hair-related identity issues. Not going out much, it’s easy to avoid feeling pressure of looking a certain way if no one (who would judge me harshly) ever sees it. That’s a gift, I suppose. With strangers, it’s totally context dependent (is this an “I need to impress someone for a job” situation or the grocery store, where it doesn’t matter at all). Easy.

With people I know well, though, it’s different. It’s kind of like when I know that seeing a particular person is going to get me all triggered and I make up my mind not to fall into the trap and I feel really good about how I’m going to handle it — and then when I find myself in that exact situation, all the good planning goes out the window and I’m shrieking like a harpy because damn it if I didn’t fall right into it. Again. Do I care whether you like my hair or not? No, but also yes. But ultimately, no (and yes)… and no.

I don’t care what other people think….until I’m around other people. Then I care more than I’d like to admit. Not enough to change for them but enough to be annoyed that I felt like I had to waste my energy thinking about it.

Yeah, the locs are a mess. They’re not done yet. Maybe that’s how we all walk around all the time – an unfinished, messy, yet hopeful process. Something is happening, even if it cannot be seen. Some days I love them, some I don’t. I like what I see in the mirror but not in the photo (how can it really look THAT different?!?!) Anyone who expects me to show up as a finished, polished product is just going to have to be disappointed – whether that’s my hair or my life in general. Am I capable of not caring about that reality? I’d like to think so, but then, I’m still the process of working on it.